| spermface ( @ 2008-01-16 14:40:00 |
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PRIVATE ENTRY:
the mirror stares you in the face.
A legitimate entry. No false pretenses or covering up or high-tailing it in circles for fear of someone catching onto me. Unfortunately, that also means selecting the option that reads Just Me (Private). I just have some things to get off of my chest:
For as long as I can remember, I've been trying to -- and pretending to -- be something that I'm not. People will speculate what they want, I guess, and rumors will always circulate, but the only one who really knows where I stand is Raq. The lies come easily and flawlessly, hitting on girls and joking about getting laid is so simple, but it never really feels right and I'm always waiting for someone to scoff, roll their eyes and say "As if". That waiting and the funny not right feeling that I get? They're both tiring and I feel like sometimes I slack off, that I'm not convincing enough and people are seeing right through me, thinking that I'm a complete joke.
I know that I shouldn't be hiding, with friends like Ada and Dylan who are obviously nuts for one another and have no one at school (as far as I know) scrutinizing them for being gay. But -- and there's always a but -- I don't want the back-lash. I don't want to be stereotyped, written off as another queer. I don't want to seem so obvious and lumped in with guys, gays, who wear lip gloss and listen to Madonna and aspire to be GoGo dancers. I'm not like that, I'm just Archie, and I think more than anything I'd hate to lose whatever individuality I may have. Labeled, boxed up, defined by my sexuality? No thanks, not for me, I'll pass, I already get enough bullshit for being a male cheerleader.
This is dramatic but. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in all this and that I'm completely constricted without knowing where to turn to for. I don't fucking know. Advice?
Raq helps. She understands that I'm not ready yet, she doesn't give me crap for not being out and proud and waving a rainbow flag. But it's not enough sometimes. That's why I'm glad the internet provides everyone with the kind of anonymity that they need to get by and survive without shooting themselves in the foot. I made this fake alias, on a whim, and started skimming through the Gay interests section of chat rooms just because. I was hoping to find someone to talk to. Actually talk to. I bypassed all the sketchy requests to view my cam and old men giving me ;) faces and found DJ.
Seventeen, from FL, kind of out but not really and he's probably the nicest guy ever. I feel like someone actually gets me when we talk and it's like actually breathing fresh air for the first time in years. He seems so genuine and honest and understanding that I've felt like shit for not IMing him these past few days. It's my own paranoia getting in the way, definitely. I've been wondering if someone's playing games, if they found out from Dylan that she used to go by DJ and have been, ever since, having a laugh at my expense via the internet. I'd like to think that none of my friends could be so calculating and manipulative. I don't want to think that, by some fluke, someone's found out all about me and has been toying with me ever since. Maybe it's dumb because he's this faceless person over the internet, but if he's not some asshole then I really shouldn't close him out like I do to everyone else.
Adam mentioned something about my guard being up. Unintentionally, I guess. And I'd like to start trusting people. I don't want to seem so cynical and bitter. I want to be happy for my friends when they tell me they're in love, I want to not feel cautious and wary when someone new talks to me in the halls. I want to relax about things and have as much fun all the time as I pretend to some of the time.
I'll IM him tonight, for sure. And I'll apologize if I seemed like I was ignoring him. I'll flat out tell him where I'm coming from and hope he doesn't think I'm a douchebag. I like him too much for him to think poorly of me. Faceless internet guy or not.